


Knight in Shining Armor

by cyberpunk_trASH



Series: Schlatt, Will and the apocalypse [1]
Category: Lunch Club, SMP live, Wilbur Soot - Fandom, jschlatt - Fandom
Genre: Apocalypse, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Funny, Gay, I Tried, M/M, One Shot, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Setting Zombies on Fire, Short, This is my child, Why Did I Write This?, Zombie Apocalypse, actually no, i did this because i'm french, just for fun, schlattbur - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24234211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberpunk_trASH/pseuds/cyberpunk_trASH
Summary: A crack fic I wrote instead of working on my other fic.There's no smut because respect people lmao.It's the zombie apocalypse. I make fun of British people for no apparent reason and this is very absurd.
Relationships: Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot
Series: Schlatt, Will and the apocalypse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765687
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	Knight in Shining Armor

**Author's Note:**

> I expect you to listen to this while you read the fic  
> https://youtu.be/8B4guKLlbVU

The two men lie on the floor, both their backs rested against each other’s, the blood covering them is the same person’s. They are staring at the white light on the ceiling, almost breathless. They’re in a traditional London apartment. Very british. No aircon. It sucks.

One of them, the one wearing a purple tucked shirt, which is almost red now, is holding a Star Wars lightsaber official edition in his hand, the other one, wearing a beanie that almost makes him look like an e-boy is holding a tripodless small family-friendly telescope. 

Both look like they’ve been used as weapons, as they’re bloody and battered. 

-‘So, how much until electricity goes out, you think?’- asks the one with the British accent, by name Wilbur Soot, and by weapon, telescope boy.  
-‘Three days’- says the other one, called Jschlatt, the jedi.  
-‘Hmm. Well. Wouldn’t you want to play fallout before that happens?’  
-Wilbur, would a cook play cooking mama?’

Silence, in which Wilbur thinks that of course cooks can play cooking mama, and in which Schlatt thinks that cooking mama will soon cease to be a thing anyway, and that’s worth all the apocalypse going on. 

-‘Why didn’t you kill that one, anyway? It could’ve killed us.’- starts Wilbur again  
-‘He, was wearing Schlattcoin merch, you inconsiderate- fool’- says Schlatt in his businessman tone  
-‘Business before hoes, amarite Schlatt?  
-‘There’s no hoes, Wilbur, only profit’  
-‘I feel like it would’ve been unproductive if I’d gotten killed’  
-‘Keep dreaming and one day you’ll win the dreaming Nobel prize’

New silence, Schlatt tries to listen to eurobeat in his head and Wilbur realizes the telescope lens is broken beyond repair. 

-‘I have an idea. I’m making my escape and you stay here’- Beat of the rising sun is playing in Schlatt’s head as he stands up from his resting position and Wilbur falls on his back, defeated  
-‘No, if you die it’ll be with me’- Wilbur taps at Schlatt’s ankles with his telescope  
-‘Who says I’m dying? You know what they call me Wilbur?’  
-‘Big- …big dumbass?’  
-‘They call me the idea man, and men with ideas don’t die that easy’  
-‘I’d be sad if you died’  
-‘Be a good housewife and make some tea while I’m at work, will you?’ 

The idea of making tea appeals to Wilbur’s natural Island Monkey Briton instincts, as he feels almost compelled to go fetch his kettle. Fuck JSchlatt. He does know how to please a man. 

-‘So if a zombie shows up do I just pour boiling tea on it?’- says Wilbur, his brit-senses heightening by the second. He almost wants to make cookies for the tea too.  
-‘Unless they’re wearing Schlattcoin merch, do what you…. Will. Haha.’  
-‘That was grammatically incorrect’ 

Schlatt swings his lightsaber at Wilbur, who accepts the slap, because the british are like that. You could pour boiling soup on them and they’d apologize. 

Wilbur isn’t sure if the noise is the water boiling in the kettle or something else entirely, but he’s too focused making tea anyways. 

Schlatt is reading a big ass map, trying to figure out where the British museum is while he smacks a zombie with his lighstaber. The latter is so overwhelmed by the power of jedi schlatt that it fucking explodes. It was wearing misfits merch anyway, not a great loss.  
Schlatt now looks like he’s been bathing in virgin blood, which isn’t completely incorrect because the zombie was a virgin. That’s what happens when you buy misfits merch.  
Wilbur is busy home saying things like “quite lovely” or “bloody hell” to nothing or no one in particular, because that’s what all british people do when they’re alone making tea. 

There’s a loud knock on the door of Will’s apartment, and he’s pretty sure it’s not Schlatt. So he goes and grabs a large shelf to barricade the door before realizing he’s an eboy simp and has no physical strength whatsoever.  
So he prepares the boiling tea and the telescope, and gets ready to fight for the queen of England, who is now busy being an immortal zombie and holding zombie tea parties, but Wilbur doesn’t know that, so he gets in fighting position. 

Schlatt is walking back from the British museum. He’s proud of his idea. He left the lightsaber behind as a historical object and a gift to Britain. But he’ll never let Wilbur find out because admitting the british don’t suck ass that much would equal to a marriage proposal. And he hasn’t found a ring yet. 

The knocks continue, and they’re joined by grunting and the kinda stuff zombies do. There’s more than one, and it won’t be long until they tear the door down. Wilbur wishes he’d told Schlatt that being a housewife and making him tea forever wasn’t a bad idea.  
He also pisses his pants. 

A loud metallic noise echoes across the building and Wilbur wonders if they’ve learned how to use metal pipes as weapons. That’d be badass, but what a shame he wouldn’t be alive to see it.  
The metallic noise gets closer and closer, and Wilbur isn’t that keen on fighting a zombie with a metal pipe, so he decides he’d rather go out in a grand way. He pours himself a cup of tea, and raising his little finger, drinks it. What a grand way to go out. 

He cries in his cup, and drinks it too. What a hero.  
There’s a loud crash, and Wilbur realizes it’s the apartment door. There’s a metallic object perforating it. Wilbur tries to piss his pants again, unsuccessfully.  
There are some rather weird and gruesome noises behind the door, noises of zombies dying. Big metal pipe zombie must be angry. When the door goes completely down, Wilbur swings his telescope desperately 

-‘You utter twats, you absolute-

It’s not a zombie with a metal pipe. It’s an armor. Standing. With a giant fucking sword. And the blood of five dead zombies splattering it. One of the dead seems to have tried to bite the armor, as several teeth are scattered across the floor. 

-‘I’m invincible Wilbur! You know what they call me? They call me armor man!’- says Schlatt in the tone of a seven year old who just got his first game console for Christmas.  
-‘Oh god’- exhales a speechless Wilbur. He’s not sure about how to hug an armor.  
-‘Next, we need a treadmill. These little fuckers can’t run, right?’

The queen of England kept holding her tea parties, Schlatt became a British knight and Wilbur started wearing anime leggings because the author really wants to picture Wilbur in anime leggings. They had ten kids.  
Eventually, the holy inquisition was reborn, swordfighting became the national sport and people started speaking medieval English again. 

No just kidding they all fucking died. Except for Schlatt and Wilbur, who with the power of love and armors kept hitchhiking across England for ten years, before Wilbur died of a heart attack after finally confessing to Schlatt despite having been married for nine years.  
Schlatt would come to be known as the mysterious knight with the American accent in further history books, when civilization was reborn. The currency of that time became an abstract concept called Schlattcoin, for no apparent reason, and running was made illegal in 2054.  
Then a meteor hit the earth and they all fucking died for good.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this but I expect no one to have fun reading this mess. I fucking love it, it's my child and if you hurt my child I'll hurt you. Jk I'm an eboy I can't hurt anyone even if I want to.  
> If someone wants a sequel I'll do it when I'm bored.


End file.
